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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nMy parents divorced and moved when I was 9, but there\u2019re lotsa kid from divorced families. I was bullied for not liking sports and for being in special classes for my ADD, but I had some support with that. I had issues with my mother and the people she dated, but many people have issues with their parents for one reason or another. My parents eventually remarried, and I didn\u2019t really like both step-parents. They both got on my nerves in different ways, and drove me nuts with trying to win my trust and shit. But everyone has problems when their parents are divorced. Ain\u2019t nothin\u2019 special about divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Recognizing I had pedophilia<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
About the only thing that was weird was I noticed a sexual attraction to little boys, which I didn\u2019t realize as such until I was 16 years old or so. While ya\u2019ll were going through puberty and you were liking what you like, my brain was developing attraction to boys. The signs were there as early as 12\u201313 years old, but I didn\u2019t have words to describe what was happening, even if I had understood it. The first few years, it was not a big deal. I did not see it as a problem, because I never thought I could or would act on it. I mean, to me, being sexual with a person was marriage, and no way could anyone marry a child. So\u2026 okay, who cares? Nothin I did to choose it, nothin I can do to change it. These days, I accept it, cuz\u2019 there ain\u2019t much else I can do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cHelp\u201d from clueless folk<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
So, when I was in high school (senior, I think it was), I was discovering that people didn\u2019t like people that liked kids, and it was dawning on me what that really meant. To me, liking kids was a good thing. Who wouldn\u2019t want to like kids? Kids are great, and working with them is a blast. But there were them other words in the news reports about the church thing, like \u201cpedophile\u201d that had me thinking, cuz\u2019 people use that word to describe abusers, not just people with an attraction. Now, like a good Christian, I went to a Christian high school and a Christian college, and I tried to sort this shit out.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It was dawning on me with the Boston churches that was covering up abuse that when people talk about liking kids\u2026 that ain\u2019t really what they mean, they mean sexual-like, you know, being a pedophile. I started thinking\u2026 maybe my sexual thoughts are something I should get help with, some guidance from a mentor. Well, long story short, that guy I asked for help from had no idea what he was doing, didn\u2019t pause to figure out where I was at in how I thought, and basically, he saw me as a risk to children. That was final year of high school, and it didn\u2019t help one bit.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The mentor I ended up with, and his friend who were self-described experts in helping men of faith with sexual shit, decided that I would blow up and hurt the people around me. He labeled me a ticking time bomb. A lot of other things happened, but I stuffed everything I was talking to them about, primarily because of their reaction. I stopped talking to people about it. I kept it a secret, and it festered for years until I was in college, trying to manage school, a job, staying fit, and working with kids all at the same time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It leads to a long series of shitty thoughts and decisions, duh. I had no support, I tried to hide what I was struggling with, and it became an issue that started taking over my thoughts. Why? Because I let it<\/em> take over my thoughts. Before, I thought that was beyond my control, but looking back, it was a choice, even if I saw no other choice than to figure it out on my own.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I started looking at child porn, to have an outlet that was \u201cnot really harming a child.\u201d to my mind. But I was convinced that I was doing the right thing for the right reasons. To me at the time, it didn\u2019t hurt nobody, but it was hurting me an\u2019 kids too. I only realized that years later. Cops here knew about all that, but never charged me, thank God. I guess they thought convicting me of sexual assault of a minor was good enough.<\/p>\n\n\n\n The real reason for the porn were for meeting needs I was neglecting (I will get to those needs in a moment), and I was spendin lotsa time on it, more and more as college went on. As a result, they was slowly changing how I saw being sexual with a child. My thoughts and beliefs on being sexual with a child went from it being an utter impossibility, to possible and even permissible with the right child who was okay with it. I became a pro-contact pedophile, cuz\u2019 I thought it was okay in the right situation and the right kid.<\/p>\n\n\n\n What was once a pebble was now becoming a mountain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n By this point, I would spend hours every week on downloading new child porn to view, because I thought it was helping me (thank God they never charged me with that shit). I was in a situation where I was constantly neglecting my needs and trying to ignore what I needed in regards to my ADD: Quiet, less time around people and distractions, all that shit. No, my highly social job, weekly exercise classes, and going to church were the opposite of what I needed. They didn\u2019t help me focus. Too much distraction, too much going on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Spending time with an 8-year-old boy, whom I knew through his older brother at my exercise group, ain\u2019t what I needed. I was piling social activity after social activity on myself when I needed more alone time and quiet, less distraction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I couldn\u2019t even feel how overwhelmed I was, and my belief was that I needed to help people, which led to ignoring my feelings more. My needs didn\u2019t matter, cuz\u2019 I needed to help people like a good Christian. These issues were building and building, and putting me in a place where I was totally overwhelmed, and I had no idea that I even was overwhelmed. That frog analogy, where the frog jumps out if the water\u2019s boiling, but stays in if the heat gets turned up slowly? I\u2019m that frog. No one suddenly decides to just abuse a kid. It\u2019s a process. Least, it was with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Eventually, I began sexually abusing that 8-year-old boy, because I convinced myself that it would help him learn more about himself and about hygiene. I asked him, that first time, if I could put lotion on a rash he had on his groin. I deceived both him and me into believing my touching and looking at his penis was about him being healthy. Even if he was willing at first, it was still undeniably child sexual abuse. He had no way of properly consenting, which makes it child rape. Now, some folk don\u2019t think I should be calling it rape, cuz\u2019 there was never penetration, but what else do you call it? Mo-lestation? Bullshit. Where I\u2019m from, if it ain\u2019t with permission, it\u2019s rape. So yeah, I raped a child I cared very much about, because my decisions had put me in a really dark place.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I was trying to meet some needs by shit that wouldn\u2019t ever meet them: Needing to be alone more, needing less noise so I could focus, needing to feel comfortable in my own skin, needing to pay attention to how I was feeling, self-care, looking only at the shit I can control, all that stuff. One of the constant phrases we repeated while in treatment was, \u201cOur best thinking got us here.\u201d That was very true: My attempts to solve my own problems, without support, led to five years<\/strong> of bad decision-making starting when I was 16 asking that stupid mentor for help that led up to the sexual abuse of a child I cared deeply about.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeah, a child molester who fully understands<\/em> the gravity of his actions and regrets them<\/em><\/strong>. My actions were confusing to the boy I hurt, and were not helpful, as I deluded myself into thinking. I don\u2019t care for my stupid behavior, and my pledge is that it ain\u2019t never gonna happen again, because where I used to think that I was out-of-control, no, my behavior\u2019s a choice. I have become an anti-contact pedophile because of my choice to sexually abuse a child and the aftermath that choice caused.<\/p>\n\n\n\n So, I realize I\u2019m jumping around here, but I actually manipulated the boy into telling. He was the kinda kid that would do the opposite of what you told him if you told him to do somethin he shouldn\u2019t. So I told him not to tell anyone what I was doin. He told a teacher, the teacher told the cops, and I got a call from the family wanting to know what was what. \u2018Bout a week went by, very depressing week mind you, and I had a dream where I was hurting another kid, and I just lost it. I tried to off myself with a bag over my head, and it didn\u2019t work, so I called the cops. Yeah, real fucking smart, but I had noone else I could ask for help. That\u2019s how shit hit the fan.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Over a few months, after spending a month in jail, I went through psych evals, a few court dates, and finally, I was sentenced to ten years on probation with a stay of imposition. They said if I kept all my requirements, I\u2019d end up with a misdemeanor instead of a felony. So I worked my ass off to understand all the things I needed to do. Got off probation in October.<\/p>\n\n\n\n My requirements were somethin like this:<\/p>\n\n\n\n No contact with anyone under 18 for the purposes of gettin\u2019 to know \u2019em<\/p>\n\n\n\n No porn of any kind<\/p>\n\n\n\n No social media or shit that could lead to contact with minors<\/p>\n\n\n\n Keep all my probation meetings, an\u2019 first they were monthly, then every other month, then at the end I had to check in once a year<\/p>\n\n\n\n Complete sex offender therapy<\/p>\n\n\n\n Get gainful employment or make good efforts<\/p>\n\n\n\n Had to have internet use monitored to make sure I did my shit right<\/p>\n\n\n\n My conditions also notified me of my duty to register as a sex offender, and what happens if I don\u2019t<\/p>\n\n\n\n Many sex offenders I knew in treatment constantly<\/em> said they wish they knew what they learned in treatment before they hurt someone. It ain\u2019t just some shit about how they wish they hadn\u2019t been caught, the people I knew really valued what therapy was teaching and wish they learned that shit before they fucked up. I know this from from goin\u2019 to sex offender treatment for near two and a half years and seeing about twenty guys who now live their lives in a healthier way, at peace with what happened, but still wishing they knew then what they know now.<\/p>\n\n\n\n That was the origin for my finding people on the internet: Wanting to make that help more available before someone fucks up like I did. I wanted to see if there were other pedophiles who spoke out about this, and I found a shit-ton. Ender, Robert, Jack, Daywalker, and Nigel over in France\u2026 lotsa people talk about it. Hopefully my story can help people too.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Yeah, there were a few guys who didn\u2019t make it. One had a relapse with drugs and thought he needed to focus on that, not the sexual acting out he did on them drugs. Another got kicked out for pot, a probation violation. Another, because he couldn\u2019t follow the requirements, but I hear he went back after he did what he need to. But that\u2019s three people out of twenty, an\u2019 from my understanding, the norm for sex offenders is staying compliant and keepin our toes in line. All that shit you see on the news? They only report the bad shit, never the good.<\/p>\n\n\n\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/aboutpedophiliahome.files.wordpress.com\/2018\/11\/5bbf5-1hkfr4exwml2rvs_x4usftq.png?w=856\")
<\/figure>\n\n\n\nWhere\u2019s that lead, you think?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
OVERWHELMED an\u2019 alone with a boy<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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<\/figure>\n\n\n\nWhoa\u2026 a child molester who doesn\u2019t minimize?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
So then what?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
If I just knew then what I know now\u2026<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
What is the point here?<\/h3>\n\n\n\n
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