Coming Out to a World that Hates Pedophiles

I have been sexually attracted to little girls for 60 years but choose to not act on it. I am not exclusive and am happily married with three children and ten grand-children. I spent a lot of time with children over the years without any problems, including teaching school and having foster children. My pedophilia simmered in the background during the 25 years of my first marriage, but when I did ask a counselor for help, she promptly abandoned me without a referral.

Three years after living in our home, our foster daughter falsely accused me of molesting her. That never happened, but I told my wife that I am indeed sexually attracted to young girls. She encouraged me to become a counselor so I could help other people with pedophilia. When I had almost completed a masters degree in mental health counseling, Walden University dismissed me based solely on my sexual orientation. I experienced severe anxiety but at the time the only hospital in our county had banned me from their premises because of the false allegations, even though no charges have ever been filed.

 

I came out to many of my family and friends, who were all very supportive because they understood the difference between attraction and action. In 2014, I came out on a live Oregon Public Broadcasting talk show without any serious repercussions. Earlier this year I did an interview for an article in The Sun, not realizing the impact it would have on our lives. About the same time, someone posted a YouTube of my coming out at an Association for Sexual Abuse Prevention workshop that my wife and I conducted in Portland, Oregon. It ended up on Facebook and created quite a stir in our local community. It also got the attention of the media and within a week my wife and I participated in two television and two radio live talk shows. The next week we appeared on the Dr. Phil show. We were immediately banished by our church and received a number of credible death threats. Now this isn’t about “poor me,” as I understand that many of these people assume I am a child molester, but I don’t understand why they hate my wife so much.

 

What can we learn from this experience? Not all pedophiles are child molesters. Many people who work with children experience some level of sexual attraction to them. The majority of people with pedophilia will never molest a child, but will also never come out. Hating and ostracizing pedophiles does nothing to protect children. When someone does come out, we should support them in not acting on the attraction.

If you or someone you love is sexually attracted to children, you may call me at +1 541–891–6168. Check out our website at ASAPinternational.org.

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For those who do not know, I advocate for the primary prevention of child sexual abuse, or stopping it before it can happen. I want to ensure there are methods in place to get people to a healthier mindset before abuse happens, and methods in place so that those who may be at-risk for factors that may lead to abuse can get the same mental health help… before those risk factors become an issue.

I also have have a sexual attraction that is, in part, directed at children. If you want the specifics:

80% of my attraction is to children, broadly.

90% of my attraction is to males, broadly.

In other words, while I do have some attraction to women, and some attraction to adults, those feelings do not come up often. Oh, and by the way… it is those sexual feelings towards children that make me a pedophile, just like a man having sexual feelings towards other men makes him gay. That feeling is what makes someone a pedophile, not how they behave, just as it is someone’s feeling that makes them gay. So by that definition, I am both an advocate against child sexual abuse, and a pedophile, though I prefer to use less stigmatizing language.

So… how did that happen? Why do I have these feelings?

The Science Says…

Research by sexologist Dr. James Cantor indicates that the “wiring” of the brains of pedophilic men is somewhat similar to the neurological (wiring) differences in schizophrenic or autistic people.

While a neurotypical brain is wired a certain way, someone with pedophilia has differences in the physical makeup of their brain that is similar to those on the autism spectrum, or those with schizophrenia. Dr. Cantor has always said that he wants to get at the why of deviant sexuality: Why do we feel that way? What causes that?

Well, if Dr. Cantor’s studies of pedophilic vs. nonpedophilic brains are true, then I really got a short stick. I have what used to be called asperger’s, a mild form of autism. Most people who know I have it sometimes forget, because that is how mild it is, but the neurological differences and the difference in how I see the world is there all the same. My brain is wired differently, and maybe that is related to why I have pedophilia. I know I did not choose to have autism, and autism appears to be somewhat biologically caused, so it is possible that the same is true for pedophilia. That seems to be what the science currently indicates.

My Background Says…

My background tells a story. I was sexually abused by a daycare worker at three years old. A male daycare worker, who pulled down my pants and gave me oral sex at three years old. Disgusting, appalling… yes, I agree.

And as I grew, I developed a sexual attraction to boys my age first, and then as I matured, my attractions started reversing to stand where they are today: Mainly towards young boys. That, and my other experiences (which you can read about here if you like), tell me that environment definitely plays a role. Maybe younger boys were just safer because I was uncomfortable around my peers. I have no idea what sort of environmental roles are at play.

I do know it was not a choice. I mean, presuming you are heterosexual, when did you choose to be attracted to the opposite sex? Right, that was never. It just happened. And just as your heterosexuality does not dominate your personality, and is just one part of who you are, my pedophilia is just one part of me.

Nature AND Nurture

I firmly believe that both my environment and the trauma I experienced, as well as the neurological differences in my brain, were what led to the formation of my sexual feelings towards children. And remember, it is the pedophilia, the feeling of attraction towards children, that makes me a pedophile.

Urges To Rape Children?

I sometimes hear the question… how do I manage my urges? And inside my mind, I go… “Um… what urges? What on earth is this person talking about? I am totally having a blank moment and not understanding here.” Yes, that is my reaction, and here is why: A desire to rape, and a desire to be sexual with someone, are two very different things. Both are also different from fantasy, and all of this matters.

In the same way that you have sexual, romantic, and emotional feelings towards adults… you want to woo them, you want to care for them, share your life with them, cuddle… all of those things. Would you call those urges? Would you call your feelings of heterosexuality or homosexuality or whatever you feel… urges towards women/men? Would you call them romantic feelings? A sex drive? An attraction? The main difference is that I can never act on my feelings, except in my head where it can never hurt anyone, where you can have your cake and eat it too.

No, children cannot consent (you age-of-consent folk can get on my case for saying that if you like). Obviously, it has a high risk of causing harm, and that risk is not worth it. Yes, the child will not feel it as loving, and if they do, it is not common.

I completely agree with what you are thinking: Acting on those feelings with a child is wrong for many more reasons than just those the above paragraph. And no, I am in no way advocating that those with pedophilia should be able to act on their attractions and be sexual with children. That is just as disgusting as what was done to me.

At the end of the day, we all have desires that in no way make us a threat to others. You who drive: Have you entertained the idea of running someone over, even if you would never in a million years do it? You who eat: Have you entertained the idea of making a huge helping of your favorite food, even if it would not be worth it in the least? You who have children: You hope they have children, so they will know the experiences you went through, even though you would never force them to have children. Your desire and your willingness or capability of acting on it are not the same.

Haters Gonna Hate

Oh, I hear some of you trolls and haters already. Go ahead, let me have it for blowing up what you believe about pedophiles and making you think about this issue. I am truly sorry to disturb your mental peace, and I understand that causes you pain, and that pain makes you want to lash out. Being presented with a challenging idea hurts. I get that. Vent, go ahead. By all means, tell me I should kill myself. Say what you must.

But here is the thing: Some of us who have an attraction to children do in fact need support, just like someone struggling with some childhood trauma needs support. And it would be great if people could accept us without thinking we are a danger to every child everywhere, or automatically a suspect for molesting children. I mean, most rapists are heterosexual men, and we do not go around thinking that every heterosexual man is a risk to women. So maybe we could think just as rationally about this topic as we do other serious issues?

A Better Situation

A better situation is one where we get those people help, with other pedophiles even, than one where we try to shun them for having a feeling they never chose, because that prevents child sexual abuse, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, depression, anxiety, and all sorts of other deleterious health issues that tie into someone who hates themselves just for existing. By supporting pedophiles, just as the LGBTQ+ community wants support as human beings without the bullying, we can create a safer, more empathetic society.

I mean… if you can understand and support pedophiles, then you can understand and support your black, gay, Muslim neighbor. Or that Mexican dude. Or the Russian. If you can understand and support pedophiles, all those ism’s take a back seat to your empathy, and that would be worth applauding.

The post How Someone Becomes A Pedophile appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

But I get ahead of myself. The article’s title is bad enough, but then the article itself does not even address the reality of what pedophilia is — and is not. They just claim that “the left understands well how to take taboo behaviors and turn them into grievance groups, legal battering rams, and political power.” So, they seem to be under the mistaken impression that pedophilia is a behavior.

In fact, pedophilia is not a behavior, child sexual abuse is a behavior. It is a behavior that is abhorrent and disgusting because it can take many forms, often with the same outcome of psychologically damaging victims. Some heal, some do not.

Pedophilia, on the other hand, is a sexual attraction to children, a feeling very much the same as a heterosexual man’s feelings for a woman, except towards children. And just as heterosexual men do not wish to rape women, a pedophile usually has no wish to rape a child: They want to earn a child’s love, respect, and adoration just as much as a man wants the attention of a woman. This means that being sexual with a child is impossible for most pedophiles, because they do not want to hurt a child… just as a heterosexual man knows that hurting women will not woo them to him.

Pedophilia is a feeling that is present in 5% or less of the male population, so the only way to “normalize” it would be to figure out what causes it, and try to raise the number of people who have pedophilia (a ridiculous notion). I have never heard a great explanation for what “normalizing pedophilia” even means, but you are welcome to try if you like (I have never had any serious takers to that challenge).

American Thinker infers that “the left” is trying to “normalize” child sexual abuse… by saying they normalize pedophilia. As it is, they have no idea what the difference between the two is, and as such, have put no critical thinking skills whatsoever into their article. If they had, they would see that they are merely supporting propaganda that has no basis in reality. I could return tit for tat and say that clearly, conservatives have no idea how to think critically, yet I have observed many conservatives who do just that. Making such a generalization about conservatives would put me in an equally non-thinking position that the article originates from. If we are putting critical thinking first, then American Thinker fails to live up to their name.

Its readers, on the other hand, are a different bunch. While most commenters seemed fairly ignorant of the distinction between attraction and rape, one commenter stood out:

Given that American Thinker also believes that transgendered people have a “severe mental disorder,” despite no appearance in any recent diagnostic manual I am aware of, I think their hogwash claim of “The left is normalizing pedophilia,” is just as suspect and unsupported by fact. I think it is safe to chalk American Thinker right up there with the trolls and haters of the world: Worth ignoring entirely, but it was a nice distraction for a few days while I put the finishing touches on my new website.

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What Is A Sexual Orientation?

According To The APA

According the the American Psychological Association’s FAQ on sexual orientation and homosexuality, a…

“Sexual orientation refers to an enduring pattern of emotional, romantic and/or sexual attractions to men, women or both sexes. Sexual orientation also refers to a person’s sense of identity based on those attractions, related behaviors and membership in a community of others who share those attractions. Research over several decades has demonstrated that sexual orientation ranges along a continuum, from exclusive attraction to the other sex to exclusive attraction to the same sex.”

They go on to indicate that,

“Sexual orientation is distinct from other components of sex and gender, including biological sex (the anatomical, physiological and genetic characteristics associated with being male or female), gender identity (the psychological sense of being male or female)* and social gender role (the cultural norms that define feminine and masculine behavior).”

So, there you have it. Sexual orientation is an enduring pattern of attraction, be it emotional, romantic, sexual, or any variation of the three. In other words, these attractions are long-term and do not change.

According To WebMD

The definition given by WebMD is very similar to the APA’s definition:

“Sexuality is an important part of who we are as humans. Beyond the ability to reproduce, sexuality also defines how we see ourselves and how we physically relate to others. Sexual orientation is a term used to refer to a person’s emotional, romantic, and sexual attraction to individuals of a particular gender (male or female).”

They go on to say that,

“Sexual orientation involves a person’s feelings and sense of identity; it may or may not be evident in the person’s appearance or behavior. People may have attractions to people of the same or opposite sex, but may elect not to act on these feelings. For example, a bisexual may choose to have a monogamous (one partner) relationship with one gender and, therefore, elect not to act on the attraction to the other gender.”

Bringing Both Together

In other words, it is an enduring (long-term) attraction that is of a emotional, romantic, and sexual nature or any variation of the three. It is something that may or may not be acted on, and it is typically seen as something that does not change. They are distinct from biological sex and gender, are part of identifying a certain way and in a community of like-minded individuals, and are directed towards people of one biological sex or both.

Can Orientation Be Changed?

Both sources strongly indicate that the answer is no. WebMD states that, “Most experts agree that sexual orientation is not a choice and, therefore, cannot be changed,” and go on to discuss those who hide homosexuality or bisexuality on religious grounds. APA points to the research, with strongly indicate the same: Therapies that attempt to change someone’s sexual feelings are not shown to be effective, and can cause harm.

What Is Pedophilia?

Okay, so we have now defined a sexual orientation as a long-term sexual attraction that does not change, and may or may not be acted on. Now we must delve into what pedophilia is.

WebMD has an article about pedophilia, but unfortunately, the APA does not. The WebMD article was written by Dr. Ray Blanchard, who is a sexologist from the University of Toronto. Another well-known sexologist, Dr. James Cantor, has previously worked at the same University, and currently works as a senior scientist at the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has uncovered a great deal of information about pedophilia.

Before I get into the specifics of what Dr. Cantor says, let me first quote Dr. Blanchard in his opening remarks on what a pedophile is and what pedophilia is:

“A pedophile is a person who has a sustained sexual orientation toward children, generally aged 13 or younger, Blanchard says.”

Not all pedophiles are child molesters (or vice versa). “Child molesters are defined by their acts; pedophiles are defined by their desires,” Blanchard says. “Some pedophiles refrain from sexually approaching any child for their entire lives.” But it’s not clear how common that is.”

Interestingly, Dr. Blanchard seems to answer our question for us.

But let us first dig a little deeper before we reach a conclusion. The article (which was written before the release of the DSM-V) goes on to say that pedophilia will be treated by the DSM-V as separate from pedophilic disorder, and that pedophilia is the feelings towards children, while, “[Pedophiles] would be diagnosed with pedophilic disorder either if their attractions toward children are causing them guilt, anxiety, alienation, or difficulty in pursuing other personal goals, or else if their urges cause them to approach children for sexual gratification in real life,”

In other words, the feelings towards children themselves are not a disorder unless they cause the above difficulties.

With the specifics aside, pedophilia is an enduring pattern of attraction towards children that may or may not be acted upon.

Does Sexual Orientation Apply To Pedophilia?

The evidence seems to point most strongly towards yes. In addition to Dr. Blanchard’s information on the topic, we have an article detailing research from Dr. Cantor from December, 2013, which indicates the same. The article about Dr. Cantor’s research quotes the founder of Virtuous Pedophiles, an online community of pedophiles who seek to support each other in staying safe around children.

This answers a lingering question from the APA’s definition of sexual orientation: Do pedophiles find identity and support from other pedophiles? The answer is obviously yes, if an online community of pedophiles exists, and what is more, exists to support pedophiles in being safe with children.

What Does This Mean For Child Sexual Abuse?

Nothing whatsoever, provided that pedophiles do not wish to push for the right to be sexual with children. A brief look into Virtuous Pedophiles reveals that they exist to, “help virtuous pedophiles remain law-abiding, and lead happy, productive lives.” So it is safe to say that while there may be some vocal groups like NAMBLA who say otherwise, there are also pedophiles who seek to be law-abiding.

Without a survey or poll of some kind, it would be impossible to tell which group has more members. However, the point is that there are pedophile groups who do not want to harm children, and there are other pedophile groups who do. We do need to ensure we keep the two separate, and continue to push back against those who seek to harm children, but as an advocate for preventing sexual abuse, I see no harm in taking pedophilia out of the shadows, even if that means calling it an orientation.

If there are pedophiles who have pedophilia, a sexual orientation towards children, then we need to support them in whatever ways they ask for so that they continue to refrain from acting on their orientation and stay strong in their commitment to remain law-abiding.

If a sexual orientation, as WebMD points out, is something that can be refrained from being acted upon, then one can have a pedophilic sexual orientation and not harm children.

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