However, that does not mean that this is our time to rise up and demand changes to how we are treated. The focus on divesting from police and investing in each of our communities is enough for now. Why? Because we cannot attempt to join or drown out the voices of other minorities by stealing their spotlight. These are issues that have been affecting black and brown humans for years, and this is their time and moment to be heard, not ours.

The most effective thing we can do right now is write our representatives, join protests – whether via social media or by marching with other movements – and join the numerous voices calling for an end to police-based communities and a start to investing in the integrity of our communities. That change has needed to happen for some time, and we need to put the focus on making that change, not using this moment to our own benefit.

What you do ultimately is up to you, but bear in mind that what you do WILL reflect on the entire MAP community and act responsibly.

The post Social Revolution And Minor Attracted People appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

…Wrong.

Actually, the majority of child sexual abusers are not pedophilic at all, they are mainly attracted to adults. Several studies put that majority between 60-80% (here and here), as do other advocacy organizations. Likewise, not all who view child sexual exploitation material are pedophilic: 40% or so are attracted to adults. Research also solidly supports the idea of non-offending pedophiles: People who have a sexual attraction to children but refuse to act on it via sexually exploitative imagery or by molesting/raping a child.

Given the available numbers, it would likewise appear that most pedophiles do not harm children. So, before we continue, I need to bring up another point: Help. Yes, get help. That is what pedophiles should do, right?

What Does Help Look Like?

…nothing like what you might think. There are two main schools of thought around helping pedophiles. One is based in sex positivity, research, and an acknowledgment of the facts around these issues. The other is based in what we would call wishful thinking that has limited, if any, scientific basis. For those that may not know, I am a pedophile, and yes, I got help already. So, let me give you the nutshell version of what properly researched help looks like for pedophiles.

Wishful Thinking

Wishful thinking goes something like this: Sexual fantasy involving anything that would be illegal if acted on is bad for you. Why? Because everyone knows that it is practice for acting on it, plain and simple. If someone has a sexual interest in children, for example, they should work hard to suppress that interest. Sexual interest, after all, is a choice.

Fact-Based Approach

The fact-based approach goes something like this: Sexual fantasy is just that, fantasy. It is not the same as reality, and if someone acknowledges that distinction, there is no problem. Also, there is growing evidence that pedophilia functions as a sexual orientation in that it cannot change and persists over time. In other words, there is no way to “pray the pedophilia away,” pedophilia is something that has no cure. Conversion therapy has been scientifically proven to do more harm than good, and suppressing sexual thought can actually backfire.

The therapeutic approach, then, is to work with pedophiles in understanding that pedophilia has no way of changing, accepting that one has pedophilia and all that comes with it – sexual fantasies included – and not attempting to change that which cannot change. In other words, rather than resisting having sexual fantasies, going with the flow and not shaming oneself afterward.

Why Acceptance Is The Only Solution

Many have speculated that, given enough time and research, we might come up with a way of changing sexuality for those who might seek it. In other words, just because there is no way of changing pedophilia now does not mean there never will be a way of changing pedophilia. This “solution” is not in the immediate foreseeable future, and it is unclear if that will ever be a reality. Only time will tell.

So, let me explain what cognitive dissonance is: A psychological phenomena in which our mind is in conflict with something in a way that causes us distress. The simplest example of cognitive dissonance is the caricature of someone trying to make a moral decision, and a red devil is on one shoulder and an angel on the other shoulder. A practical application might be that you got passed up for a promotion at work, and you refuse to accept that your performance was not good enough to get the promotion, blaming it on favoritism, sexism, racism, or a boss that hates you (not to say those do not happen, obviously, but leave those aside for now).

If a pedophile – or society – is constantly holding out hope that we might have a world in which there is no pedophilia, no sexual attraction to children… then that creates distress and cognitive dissonance. It creates turmoil, which can cause any number of negative effects: Isolation, depression, anxiety, shame, worthlessness… the list is very long indeed. If a pedophile is holding the false hope that they can somehow change their attractions, and that consistently does not happen, or worse, they fool themselves into thinking that it has happened, then they are creating their own distress.

The only way to solve that distress is acceptance: Acceptance of the facts, acceptance of reality. That is the only way for pedophiles to be happy, and for society to peacefully coexist alongside pedophiles.

We have seen the results that distress and cognitive dissonance brings and how this puts children at risk by driving pedophiles away from help and support. We have seen already how difficult it is . The better alternative is to keep children safe by not asking pedophiles to do the impossible.

Society Will Accept Pedophiles

Whether you want to admit it or not, there is no reason why pedophiles will not gain just as much acceptance as other minorities in the near future. No one chooses their attractions, that much is obvious to anyone. They can choose their behaviors, which is what pedophiles should do… carefully. For most pedophiles, this is easy. Some need support in making that choice. However, the acceptance of pedophiles as human beings will happen within my lifetime.

The question is… are you going to opt for that, or for cognitive dissonance?

The post Acceptance Is The Only Answer To Pedophilia appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

The Musings of a Non-Offending, Female Pedophile

This is terrifying. Even to write this anonymously makes my heart beat faster. What I’m talking about right now is very difficult for me, because everyone who loves me has told me never to talk about it.

You may call me Emma. I am a woman, approximately 30 years old, and I am a pedophile. Yes, really.

Let’s get a few things out of the way, first. I don’t have POCD, this isn’t a phase, and I’m not saying this in order to get attention. I am not physically repulsive, or socially inept, and I am not a man masquerading as a woman online for kicks. While I feel I shouldn’t have to say any of this, apparently I do, because I have been accused of all these things at one point or another in my life. I should also point out that I am not a child molester, do not look at child pornography, and do not drool or act otherwise inappropriately when a child enters the room. It is not part of my nature to be predatory. The word ‘pedophile’ does not equal ‘child molester’. So, please, get that notion out of your head immediately. The two are not synonymous; one does not necessarily indicate the other, and if this were a mathematical equation, the sum of both would not equally come to ‘42’. A pedophile is a person, either teenage or adult, whose primary or exclusive sexual attraction is toward prepubescent children (usually under the age of twelve). While — psychiatrically speaking — a person must be at least 16 years old to be considered a pedophile, many of us, myself included, are aware of our attractions before that age. Whereas a child molester is a person who molests children. It’s really quite simple; but I digress. This is information you can find anywhere, if you are so inclined to do the research. I am trying to paint my own unique picture here, to give you a glimpse into my own fun little life. Starting with this:

I was never sexually abused as a child. I was not abused as a child, period. My childhood was really quite nice, aside from the constant, all-consuming anxiety that plagued me for much of my young life. I had social anxiety, separation anxiety, bathroom anxiety, and abandonment anxiety. I was terrified of blindness and brain injuries. I would compulsively wash my hands until they bled, and pick my skin raw. But, I was never abused. When I’ve revealed my pedophilia to others in the past, it was common for them to tell me that there must have been abuse in my childhood — must have been — and that I just couldn’t remember it. I spent a long time wracking my brain, trying to remember something that I’m now convinced was never there. I spent an even longer time searching through books, on the web, trying to learn everything I could about my condition, to learn WHY my brain worked the way it did. I found no solid answers, because there are none. No one knows what combination of factors cause the many variations of human sexuality, and I’d bet it’s a complicated meld of nature and nurture. While a seemingly disproportionate number of pedophiles report having been abused as children, and feel that abuse may have contributed to their psycho-sexual development, I personally am not one of them. After years of research and soul-searching, I have come to accept that mine may just be a case of ‘faulty wiring’.

For the most part, mine is the same sad old story as the majority of pedophiles whose coming-of-age tales I’ve read (and, by this point, I’ve read quite a few). That is to say, as a child I was attracted to other children my own age, or slightly younger. I grew up, but my attractions did not. Textbook, really. During childhood, there were always one or two girls in gymnastics class, at camp, or in school, who inexplicably drew my eye. The forms of their bodies intrigued and excited me, and I wanted to get to know them, even though I was far too shy to do so. At first, I did not understand why this was, but by the time I was eleven, it occurred to me that these ‘fascinations’ with particular girls might be crushes, and that I was probably a lesbian. I wrestled with that idea until I was fourteen, which is when it started to really dawn on me that the girls I was drawn to were significantly younger than myself. My friends all gushed about high school boys and hunky, 20-something heart throbs, while I found myself hopelessly attracted to the younger sister of one of my classmates. When I was 11, the girl I had a crush on was 11. When I was in Girl Scout camp at the age of 13, the girl I had a crush on was 11. When I was 14, also at summer camp, the girl I had a crush on was… you guessed it, 11. And, that’s only because 11 was the youngest age one could be in order to attend said summer camps. Eleven is actually at the very top of the age bracket I find myself attracted to. Seven through ten are the optimal ages, and I admit I am drawn to girls as young as four. Over twelve, and they simply cease to catch my eye or stir my imagination. Why? No fucking clue. It wasn’t until I was 15 that I learned that mine was an actual sexuality with a name, and that it was not particularly smiled upon by… well, by anyone.

This is not a nice sexuality to have. As the late, great Terry Pratchett would have put it, when God was handing out the sexualities, I must have been at the back of the line; or maybe out taking a whiz. First and foremost, being a pedophile means that if you want to live your life as a law-abiding, morally decent person, you must never even so much as flirt with someone you find sexually attractive. Don’t flirt, don’t kiss, don’t touch, and mostly definitely don’t fuck. There is enough evidence to indicate that, while adult/child sexual relations are not always harmful, the risk of causing serious damage to a child’s psyche is just too great a thing to ignore. It is because of this undeniable risk that I feel those pedophiles who strive to abolish age of consent laws are speaking from a place of selfishness; but again, I digress. For someone like me, who is pretty much exclusively attracted to children, romantic and sexual relationships with acceptable partners can be quite difficult. And, yes; I have tried it. I have had sexual relations with both men and women, and my responses have ranged from “Ok, but not that much fun” to “this is revolting and I want to scrub myself with bleach”. I confess that I envy people who can have fun, happy sex with consenting partners. But, sexual frustration is only part of it. Tons of people are sexually frustrated. After all, no one is entitled to sex with those they find attractive, regardless of orientation. For us though, there is also the crippling stigma to contend with. See, being a pedophile means that you spend your life from adolescence onward constantly, and from every direction, absorbing the message that “people like you are bad”. You absorb it from the news, from the media, from your friends and family, from people who call themselves progressive, and champion the expression of sexual diversity. You begin to feel that if the people you love and respect really KNEW you, they would abandon you in an instant. You begin to project the message “you are bad” onto yourself, until you start agreeing with everyone else: that you are the scum of the earth, subhuman, unworthy, and worst of all, doomed to become the monster you’re accused of being from the very start.

While it is extremely isolating to be a pedophile of either sex, being a woman with this sexuality adds a whole other layer of isolation that is seldom explored. I’ve been Google-searching ‘female pedophiles’ ever since I first started realizing I was one, and very, very little turns up on the subject. In fact, most of what turns up is people speculating on whether or not we actually exist. Even the experts tend to ignore the existence of pedophilia in women. Not so long ago, I listened to an interview with renowned clinical psychologist and sexologist Dr. James Cantor, who has made the research of the pedophilic brain the main focus of his work (and, for this, I respect him immensely, even though to my knowledge his research has thus far not extended to non-offenders). He and his interviewers began discussing which methods are most effective in distinguishing those who are truly pedophiles from those who are not. Dr. Cantor spoke of phallometry — the measurement of blood flow to the penis as a means of measuring sexual arousal — as a very effective method for diagnosis. I kept waiting for someone to bring up the inevitable follow-up response: “well, obviously this is not an effective method for detecting pedophilia in women. How do you diagnose female pedophiles?” At least, I thought it was the inevitable follow-up question. But no one, neither the doctor nor the interviewers, even brought it up. The unspoken message resonated loud and clear with me: that I, and the presumably few women out there like myself, are so invisible that not even the leading researchers in the field feel it necessary to address our existence.

There are many examples of this. In both scientific and lay narratives discussing pedophilia, the language generally excludes women with the condition, or briefly mentions us as an afterthought. In Germany, there is a rather revolutionary program entitled Prevention Project Dunkelfeld (which translates literally as ‘Dark Fields’, because I guess that’s where pedophiles lurk?) The purpose of the program is to evaluate and treat minor attracted folks, both pedo and hebe, who have not offended but fear they might, in order to help equip them with the mental tools to live an offense-free life. They run public advertisements making people aware of the program, so that those who are struggling with pedophilic attractions know where to go. Which sounds like a pretty fantastic and altogether logical approach, from where I stand. In this context, go Germany! Anyway, the first time I went on their website, I checked out their FAQ, on which was posed the question of how many of their patients are female. The words originally used to answer this question were these: “pedophilia in women is irrelevantly rare”. Not just rare, but irrelevantly rare. I’ll be perfectly honest with you: that one hurt. To be told that, in the context of research and treatment, you are irrelevant, is very disheartening indeed. Now, since first time I read the FAQ, the language has changed, and I can only imagine it is because more female patients have been accepted into their program. I hope so. I certainly wouldn’t want to think that women who come to them for help might be turned away due to a lack of familiarity with how pedophilia in women presents. Which is a question unto itself; are we really any different from our male counterparts? Why is this paraphilia (and paraphilia in general) so much more common in men than in women? I would really, truly like to know. If researchers ever decide to conduct a study on the etiology of pedophilia in women specifically, I will gladly participate in the interest of better understanding the mystery that is my own mind. Just give me the opportunity: I’ll pimp my brain for science in a heartbeat.

On the flip side, our seeming rarity, coupled with society’s desire to see women as nonthreatening individuals, protects us. When a woman shows interest or affection for children, she is likely to be perceived as motherly, whereas a man who does the same is likely to be perceived as a sexual predator. When a woman comes across a lost child and tries to help, she doesn’t need to fear being misread as a nefarious person, while a man does. Hey, if tomorrow I decided to go loitering around playgrounds and schoolyards, I could probably do so without raising much suspicion. By the way, I would never do such a thing. It strongly violates my internal guidebook, “Don’t Be a Creep: 101”. The point is, I probably could. I feel this idea of women as maternal, faultless figures not only protects us from being perceived or believed as pedophiles, but makes the stigma upon us far less severe than that which befalls our male counterparts. The female pedophile is thought of as a rare, unfathomable creature, like some strange and terrible unicorn. While a great many pedophiles are not sexual predators, and studies show the majority of child sex abusers are not, in fact, pedophiles (look it up if you don’t believe me) there ARE female pedophiles who are predatory, and it is dangerous to act like they don’t exist. While it is psychologically traumatic for a child to be pulled away from her father and interrogated by police because they mistakenly think he is molesting her simply by daring to appear with her in public without a mother figure present, it is also traumatic for a child to feel his or her abuse is not being taken seriously because the perpetrator happens to be female. The two scenarios are flip sides of the same coin when it comes to how gender affects perceptions of child abuse. I’m sure there are many who exploit the public perception of women as harmless motherly types, and get away with terrible things. In any case, my speculations about the perceptions of pedophilia in relation to gender is just that — speculations. I cannot speak for the experiences of a male pedophile, a trans pedophile of either gender, or anyone, in fact, who isn’t me. Personally, I’d guess it’s easier to be invisible than to be villainized: but, neither are fantastic.

You may read this and immediately perceive me as sick in the head. That’s OK. I have a lot of glitches in my brain besides this one, and to describe my mind as ‘disordered’ is not inaccurate, nor does it offend me. There is a lot of speculation over whether pedophilia is best described as a sexual orientation or a mental illness, but I personally don’t understand why the two have to be mutually exclusive. I mean, it behaves like a sexual orientation in every way. It is my sexual orientation. I don’t have another one hiding somewhere underneath that can be coaxed out through careful training and self-inflicted conversion therapy; although, believe me, I’ve tried. However, at the same time, it isn’t functional. It is not a sexuality that can lead to equally satisfying and beneficial partnerships, and therefore it is flawed: a dead-end sexuality. A great many pedophiles are unhappy people, and it’s not just the social stigma that makes us that way, but also the knowledge that such a fundamental chunk of our personhood is effectively a dead-end. I therefore think of it as a ‘disordered sexual orientation’. But, that is just my interpretation. Many in the anti-contact camp — meaning pedophiles who feel adult/child sex is innately abusive, and don’t act on our desires — have different interpretations. In any case, I am a good person, which to me is more important than being a definitively sane-in-every-way person.

I’ve noticed that whenever someone even attempts to start an intelligent discussion about pedophilia, they are immediately accused of trying to ‘normalize’ it. Please understand that this is not my goal, nor is it the goal of anyone I know who speaks on our behalf. The goal here, at least in my eyes, is not to make others view us as ‘normal’. It is to help you build an understanding of who we actually are, and make you aware of the unique issues we deal with. We are human beings, which means we come in all shades of moral character; not just ‘bad’ and ‘worse’. Perceiving us to be no more than monstrous caricatures benefits no one: not us, not you, and certainly not your children. You’ve probably heard it before, but the more we are demonized and silenced, the less likely we are to reach out for help when we need it, which in turn creates pedophiles who feel depressed, anxious, and alone. Say you have two teenagers who both realize to their horror that they are sexually attracted to children. One feels comfortable talking to his parents, who are supportive, and help him find a qualified therapist, who provides him with the coping skills to get through life without offending or getting himself into situations in which he’d be more likely to offend. The other teen is too scared to talk to her family about it. She tries to push it away and pretend it’s not there, and becomes hopeless and depressed when denial doesn’t seem to be working. Because she is ‘so good with children’ she eventually allows others to pressure her into babysitting jobs, even though she is not entirely sure she trusts herself to work in such a position. Given these two scenarios, which one of these teenagers do you think is more likely to offend? Please understand that, by trying to lessen the stigma surrounding pedophilia, and by allowing people who are struggling with these desires to access support, we are attempting the prevent instances of child abuse. We are on the same side! I don’t know how to put it any more clearly than that.

There is so much more I wish I could say. I wish I could share particular events from my life, or bring up the other mental issues I struggle with, or tell you about the methods I use to cope with my unfortunate attractions. But, I’m frightened to release any information that could be used to identify me. In the end, I hope this narrative will serve its intended purpose, which is to add my voice to the ever-growing number of non-offending pedophile voices online. The more of us share our stories, the more difficult it will be for the world to ignore that we are capable of existing as morally decent, law-abiding humans. I will not be complicit in the silence surrounding this issue. In silence, people become isolated, and suffer, and I refuse to be part of that. Most of all, I hope that my particular narrative might provide some comfort to a teenage girl out there somewhere, who is just noticing her pedophilia and turns to the web for guidance. I want that girl to come across my story and know she is not all alone in the world: that other female pedophiles do exist. That we are rare, but we are real, and we are not irrelevant.

Thanks for reading.

Emma

The post A Strange and Terrible Unicorn appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

What Do Most Coming Outs Look Like?

Absolutely nothing like that. While there is risk — I will get to that in a moment — most coming outs are positive, not negative. I have heard many positive stories of people coming out, in passing on VirPed, and in other circles I participate in. I know several people, myself included, who are out to most of the important people in their life, friends and family. I know two people who are completely public, and are still not dead yet: Gary Gibson and Todd Nickerson. In both cases, their family mostly accepted them.

For many, it takes time for them to process the full implications of what it means to have a sexual attraction to children, because often, people have preconceptions about what it means to be a pedophile. They picture a middle-aged man in a trench coat who has molested a child, not a teenager tearfully telling their parents they are attracted to children and want support. So, they will often ask questions, seek clarity on what it means to have an attraction, if the pedophile has acted on their attractions, how they view ethics, if they have viewed child sexual exploitation material, if they view themselves as a risk.

Coming out to a loved one is not easy, and in some cases, involves some shock, crying, and a lot of questions. That is for the people who receive the information. For MAPs, it is just plain scary. Not only are you putting information in someone’s hands that could go wrong in a lot of ways, you are trusting that your opinion of them is accurate enough that they will not overreact. There is a lot of reluctance on the part of MAPs to come out about their attractions, even when they are dealing with mental health issues they need help with that may or may not have anything to do with minor attraction.

How Can MAPs Safely Come Out?

Yes, coming out. Just as there are myths, fear, and stigma associated with being part of the LGBTQ+ community, there are myths, fear, and stigma associated with being a minor-attracted person. Just as LGBTQ+ people keep their feelings in the closet until it is safe to tell people, MAPs must do the same, or face consequences, like the reaction seen above.

Coming out as a MAP to the people you love and trust can be a risky and challenging process. Not only is this because there is a risk that people will not understand, or they will have a negative reaction to it, but because that information is now in someone else’s hands. In much the same way as a LGBT person can observe someone, see how they feel about the topic in general by asking them about similar issues (“So, how do you feel about transgender people? How do you feel about gay people? Do you think people choose their sexuality?”), a MAP can do much the same.

While I have a more comprehensive guide for MAPs about figuring out who is safe to tell, whether telling parents is an option, and some of the practicalities around coming out to people, the short version is this: Only you know your situation and the people in your life well enough to know whether you are making a wise choice by telling people about your attractions.

Do MAPs See The Safety Of Coming Out Clearly?

It is very, very common for MAPs to misjudge people and assume they would never understand them, never support them, and would hate them if they told important people in their life about their attractions. I know it was true in my own life that I thought it was not safe to tell anyone about my attractions, and worked myself into an extremely negative mindset because of hiding that from people.

That mindset led me to the conclusion that I was a risk to children. I attempted suicide because of it, and as a result of that, I found out in one of the most terrifying ways possible that people will still care. My family told one of my friends, who privately told other friends who were asking why I was not in contact with them. Everyone was very worried about me, and those friends reached out to me to support me.

Granted, I live in Minnesota where everyone is nice to everyone (some sarcasm there), but I do believe that when you have people that know you well, and genuinely care about you, they are not going to be so offended by you liking children that they leave you, harass you, or spread your information around. They will ask hard questions, they will wonder if you can change your attractions (not possible), they will ask how you know you are attracted to children, and it may be difficult for them to believe or accept your attractions.

What will go through most people’s minds is not the trolling you see on the internet, or the horror stories you read about. You see people doing their best to show love and support. It may be scary to come out, and in some situations it may not be possible, but in my experience, in most cases, it goes very positively.

I think MAPs tend to see coming out as this huge risk where people might never speak to them again, and in my experience, that hardly ever happens. While some people will need time and resources to take in the information, coming out is usually safe when you are surrounded by people who care about you.

The post The Complexities Of A Pedophile Coming Out appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

This is Pride Month, and the LGBTQ+ community is celebrating, asking for your help in accepting them as human beings. Why? Because they never chose their attractions, and they deserve to be socially accepted without being hated, maligned, beaten, etc. In case you do not know what Pride Month is all about, I did some digging for you (okay, and for me also):

Gay pride or LGBT pride is the positive stance against discrimination and violence toward lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) people to promote their self-affirmation, dignity, equality rights, increase their visibility as a social group, build community, and celebrate sexual diversity and gender variance. Pride, as opposed to shame and social stigma, is the predominant outlook that bolsters most LGBT rights movements throughout the world. Pride has lent its name to LGBT-themed organizations, institutes, foundations, book titles, periodicals and even a cable TV station and the Pride Library.

From Wikipedia.

What Do Pedophiles Want?

Much the same thing, the right to be seen with just as much dignity and respect as anyone else, without being hated, feared, beaten, or stigmatized for an attraction we never chose. Yes, I know. Hold up a moment. What am I talking about here?

A pedophile is someone with an attraction, full stop. I do not define it as someone who has harmed a child, only someone who has an attraction to children, specifically pre-pubescent children if you really want to get technical. So no, I am not talking about child molesters.

So, with that said, defined, and out of the way, pedophiles on the whole do not want child sexual abuse to be acceptable. We care about children, probably a bit more so than the average person. Think of your biggest crush. No, really, the person you absolutely were enamored with and thought would work out. Think of that person. Did you want to cause them harm, in any way? Or did you want what made them the happiest, even if that meant them being with someone else and not you? I think you all know the answer to that question, it is almost universal. Of course you wanted the person to make them happy… to be you, but if it was not you, you would be happy for them and wish them the best.

That is how pedophiles feel towards certain children (no, not all children, any more than a heterosexual man feels strongly about every woman). So, the idea of being sexual with them — even if we feel that way — is not really the first thing that comes to mind. We want them to be happy, we want the best for them, and being sexual… is not fitting with what is best for them. Not only can children not consent, there are a myriad of instances where an adult being sexual with a child causes the child harm. I have covered this extensively, because it seems to be something that those unfamiliar with pedophiles or the MAP community do not seem to grasp, or are skeptical of.

At Its Core, What Is Pride Month About?

At its core, Pride Month seems to be more about the social acceptance of those with gender identities or sexualities that differ from heterosexuality, more broadly, the attraction between an adult man and an adult woman. In other words, seeing those that differ from the sexuality/gender norm or stereotype as being just as human and worthy of dignity and respect as anyone else.

On that particular point, I wholeheartedly agree: Pedophiles deserve that just as much as anyone else. We never chose our attraction to children. We never chose for the stereotypes that all of us are child molesters, while the facts say we are no such thing. So, in that narrow context, I agree that pedophiles should be a part of the Pride Movement.

…But What About Behavior?

This is where things get tricky, and you simply cannot compare the LGBTQ+ movement to pedophilia and to pedophiles, since there is no way for a pedophile to ethically act on their attractions to children, by viewing real-life pictures of them in sexual situations, or by directly being sexual or romantic with a child. Not only are children incapable of handling that kind of a relationship, the risk for harm is far to great to be gambling a child’s life over. And as previously discussed, harm is the last thing any pedophile wants to cause in a child.

In every other area in the LGBTQ+ movement, adults are attracted to adults or teenagers attracted to peers, and able to find age-appropriate partners. But with pedophilia, there is no capacity for this, pedophiles cannot act on their attraction to kids. Some pedophiles are exclusive, and only attracted to kids, some are also attracted to adults. Regardless, it is wrong to act with a child. It is for this reason — that the LGBTQ+ movement has also been about the rest of society not just accepting people for what sexuality or gender they align with, but also the relationships they form.

No Formal Push

To the best of my knowledge, there is no formal push to have pedophiles/pedophilia be a part of the LGBTQ+ movement. At best, there are mixed feelings for pedophiles about whether that would really be appropriate, for the aforementioned reasons. Ender Wiggin covered the idea of Pride some time ago as well (censored by Medium). While a pedophile should not feel ashamed for their attractions, it is likewise not logical to actually feel pride for them either. No, the pride comes from standing up to the stigma, shame, slander, and hate that has been directed towards the LGBTQ+ community.

With non-offending pedophiles, I agree with Ender: The pride also comes from remaining offense-free, and that includes being free from child sexual exploitation material (child pornography). Ender has said in other contexts that to be a part of the LGBTQ+ movement would be a mistake. In most ways, because of the difference in the ability to act ethically on attraction between LGBTQ+ individuals and pedophilic individuals, I agree with him.

While there has been a push to have “pedosexual” included in the LGBTQ+ movement (Heart Progress), this push turned out to come from alt-right trolls, not any formal organization of pedophiles that actually seek to include pedophilia in the LGBTQ+ movement. Pedophile communities are organized loosely: While there are moderators and some leadership from people similar to myself, Ender, Ethan Edwards (Virtuous Pedophiles founder), Todd Nickerson, etc, there is not any formal person that speaks for all pedophiles. Pedophiles are very divided on a vast range of subjects, with varying degrees of nuance to each subject.

To Be Safely Out

That is what I want, more than anything in the world: To be able to be me, not just on Medium, not just on Twitter or other social media, but in real life, too. Sure, I am out to the most important people in my life: The man I am about to marry, all my friends and family. They all support my advocacy as well. However, we know what the consequences would be as far as a job goes. I would be fired, and not many companies would hire me upon finding out, due to the stigma that comes with being a pedophile. The same or similar consequences would happen with housing: No one would want to be neighbors.

And that is just the start. My name would get dragged all over the internet as a joke, my picture and information plastered up for all to see. Trolls and haters would flock to me as an easy target, as they already do on Twitter. Sure, I would get private messages still, telling me how great it is that I am standing up and educating people about the subjects I cover. Yeah, people would still commend me for wanting to protect children. But the whole of society? It is a popularity contest, and the lepers in society, they lose. That is the reality that a pedophile faces if they are outed, or come out. There are only two men that I know of that have been brave enough to do this: Todd Nickerson and Gary Gibson. Both continue to be attacked by virtue-signalling trolls that care nothing for protecting children.

Someday, I would like to join them and finally be me, without the fear of the hate and the backlash. I want to see that someday for young pedophiles in the future, that they can safely come out to family and friends without having to worry what people will think of them. I see every day the pain that it causes people to not feel safe sharing that with people in real life, or to socially isolate themselves in all but online communities, because they fear losing friends, family, and more.

So, Do You Think Pedophilia Should Be Part Of The Movement, Or What?!?

Excellent question. There are strong arguments, both for and against.

I do not want anyone getting the impression that pedophiles want to make child sexual abuse an acceptable thing, because as I just discussed, we mostly do not want that. At the same time… I am sick of being looked down on for something I never chose. I chose to advocate against sexual abuse, I chose to spend a lot of my free time hunting down resources and information to put into a website, and I chose to put myself out there because it is the right thing to do. It is the right thing to do for children, so they can be protected, and it is the right thing to do so that young pedophiles can get the help and peer support they need so that society’s expectations of them — that they will become monsters who prey on children — do not get realized.

So, to answer that question, I will say this: You decide.

The post LGBTQ+… And Pedophiles? appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

By now, you may have heard the news that Nathan Larson, who is (safely, we can say was, at this point) a Virginian congressional candidate, has certain views about child sexual abuse, rape, and the sexual exploitation of children that are enough to make anyone sick to their stomach. And yes, they have been confirmed. If you are sensitive to any of that, I highly discourage you from reading the above link. It is graphic, and it is upsetting to me, not only as a survivor, but as an advocate for preventing sexual abuse.

It is also upsetting to me as a pedophile.

Virtuous Pedophiles: What Are They?

By now, you may have heard the term, “virtuous pedophile” being used on the internet. This term does not really indicate that someone is a stellar or better human being than the rest of humanity, it means only that the person is a pedophile, and also committed to never harming children, whether that is through viewing or making child sexual exploitation material (child pornography) or sexually abusing a child directly. They are against any form of sexual activity involving real children, though opinions on fictional material that do not involve real children are somewhat more varied.

Other terms that are used for this is non-offending or anti-contact. I describe myself as a MAP: Minor attracted person, due to the inherent stigma associated with the term “pedophile.” When most people hear the word, they think of a child molester, where that is not what a pedophile really is.

Pro-Contact Pedophiles: What Are They?

Broadly speaking, a pro-contact pedophile is not even necessarily like what Mr. Larson seems to be. A pro-contact pedophile believes that children can consent to sex, and that the harm from sexual activity with children comes not from the act itself, but from society’s reaction to the act. While some pro-contact pedophiles certainly hold views similar to Mr. Larson’s, they more often view being sexual with children as harmful, given today’s society. They seek to change society’s attitude towards child sexual abuse, as opposed to Mr. Larson’s view that it is okay to be sexual with a child even with said societal attitude.

Pedophilia: What Is It?

Pedophilia is best understood as the sexual attraction to prepubescent children, as separate from the act of sexually abusing a child. This is because most who sexually abuse children are not in fact sexually attracted to them, and because attraction and behavior are clearly two different things. While we can get into a discussion of semantics over how people understand the words, we should not confuse a feeling with the act of sexually harming someone, regardless of which label we use for the harm or for the feeling.

The Point Being…

Most pedophiles look nothing like Mr. Larson. Most pedophiles care a great deal about children, and do not wish to harm them. Maybe that is a challenge for you to believe that, however, I have seen a lot more of pedophile communities than you have. I participate sporadically on Virtuous Pedophiles, I am in three other communities as well. I see the reactions that people have to people like Mr. Larson. One of the first reactions in one of those communities was, “ This guy is scary af..” with a link to the Huffington Post article, along with, “ that guy is a fucking dumpster fire of a person”. There were other, more sarcastic comments and understated comments as well, “ Bit messed up this boy is.” and, “ What a charming gent.”

Another comment from Kira who is active on Twitter, reads,

I’ve been around a long time, and heard a lot of people who have the odd twisted ideas, from all background. But this guy’s stated views are some of the worst I’ve ever heard. He didn’t choose the sexual attraction he has, that’s fine, it’s concerning for broader society, but in and of itself, it’s harmless if he never hurt anyone or advocated harm. But he says child pornography should be legalised — and it’s clear he is including the worst of the worst stuff here. He advocates for legalising rape and sex slavery. Everyone I know is disgusted by that. He’s a white supremacist who believes Hitler, a man who led an evil regime down a path of gross barbarism, was a hero. As for his misogyny, it’s quite frankly repulsive that anyone would try to deny half the people in the world education and basic human rights. He has a documented criminal record, and he doesn’t seem to believe that anything he’s done is wrong. Pedophilia may be the detail about him that grabs the headline, but when you look at his character, the disease lies in the other horrific details.

While it is very understandable to fear pedophiles, and not understand the distinction between someone who has harmed a child and someone who is attracted to children, we need to make that distinction. There are many reasons why, which I have covered extensively, the first and foremost being that young pedophiles just discovering that their attractions are not aging with them do not need to be hearing the message that they are a monster who will inevitably harm children. That message can very well become self-fulfilling prophecy, and that means more children are sexually abused, if the young pedophile does not find a suitable anti-contact community to be a part of or some kind of social support.

The post Why Nathan Larson Does Not Represent Most Pedophiles appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

I have been on Twitter for a long time, and I have seen a range of arguments being presented to pedophiles. Chances are, if you are arguing with me, I have addressed what you have said before. Some of your points are logical, some are not, and some are based in a misunderstanding of the topic in general and what my goals are. I am also very familiar with critical thinking, and having seen many, if not most, of these arguments, I cannot say they make much sense to me.

Because a lot of these arguments are based around an unclear idea of what pedophilia is, and most importantly, what it is not, here is a long list of arguments that people make against pedophiles (those with the attraction), pedophilia (the attraction), and why those arguments do not make sense.

1: Pedophilia Is Immoral

This is probably the most common argument, next to “go kill yourself,” and “pedophiles should die,” which of course are not arguments at all, and so they will not even be addressed. Pedophilia, of course, refers to the sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children. As a sexual attraction, it is an unchosen characteristic, and as such, is not really subject to morality. Think about it: Do we believe Down’s Syndrome is immoral? ADHD? Homosexuality (the attraction)? Of course not, it would be ridiculous. This is why I sometimes compare pedophilia to autism: Both are not chosen characteristics.

2: You Want To Have Sex With Kids

This is more an accusation than it is an argument, and as I have discussed here (discussing risk), here (discussing my history as a sexual abuse survivor), and here (discussing attractions and child protection), no, I do not want to have sex with kids, no matter how vulgarly you state that. So, this is actually a straw-man argument for anti-contact pedophiles. Being anti-contact means we recognize that being sexual with children is harmful to them, and that sexual abuse/exploitation in all its forms — imagery or otherwise — needs to end.

3: Pedophilia Is Gross/A Mental Illness/A Sickness

Actually, this is a misconception that is perpetrated by the media as well as well-meaning psychology groups: Sexual attraction does not give someone a disorder, and a disorder is defined as something that significantly interferes with someone’s day-to-day life. That interference can happen in a variety of ways: Difficulty with social interaction, with learning, with basic function, etc. A disorder in the mental health world means that someone is having troubles.

It is possible to have a sexual attraction and not have those troubles. It is very possible to have the attraction, and not view yourself negatively for it. It is even more possible to choose not to act on the attraction by harming a child. It is possible to have a sexual attraction and form age-appropriate relationships with adults. My point here is that a mental illness, or disorder, is not the same as attraction. While that may be a nuanced point, we need to be accurate in how we understand this issue.

4: You Need Psychiatric Help

This argument is more nuanced, and partly based off the previous point. However, the fact of the matter is that the sexual attraction to children cannot change. No level of medication, including chemical castration, can change the primary attraction. This begs the question, why does any pedophile need medication? Will it mysteriously help their ability to recognize (as most do) that behaving sexually with a child is wrong?

Psychiatrists are people that prescribe medication, so perhaps what is meant by this argument is that pedophiles need to somehow stop being attracted to children. Given that the attraction itself is not immoral (see point number one), and that there is no way to change the attraction, whatever help that professionals can provide, like the help I received, will usually revolve around accepting and not stigmatizing the sexual attraction to children, finding ways to manage sexuality in healthy, legal ways, if that has not already been done.

As if that is not enough, I should also point out that most pedophiles do not struggle with sexual attraction and not molesting children. That is the easy part, see, because we care too much about children to harm them (mostly). More often, pedophiles struggle with self-hate, depression, anxiety, drug addiction, and a range of seemingly unrelated issues. For more on this point, see here.

5: Pedophilia Is A Behavior

No, it is an attraction. Attraction and behavior are two separate things. No expert on this issue views pedophilia as a behavior rather than an attraction. More on this in a similar section.

6: You Are Defending Pedophilia

I am not quite sure what that means. Do you think you could explain it, without it ending up at point number 2 (erroneously assuming I want to sexually abuse children)? Are religious conservatives who hate on those with homosexuality “defending” heterosexuality? Do you suppose that pedophilia, being an attraction that affects less than 10% of the population, will magically get more prominent if we recognize the facts about this issue? I do not defend child sexual abuse, I seek to prevent it. Yes, I think child rapists need to be caught and adjudicated, but I also think we need to prevent abuse before it gets to that point.

7: You Are Not Actually Attracted To Children

Usually, this takes some form of denial: Implying that the people I am attracted to just somehow… look younger, and therefore I just think I like children. This argument is typically applied to younger MAPs, though I have heard it once myself. So, let me ask you: Do you suppose the two boys to the left are adults? No, of course not. The reality is, yes, I am attracted to children. Both boys are within the age I am attracted to. And no, I do not want to have sex with them, because that would be harmful to them.

A large part of this argument is that young MAPs do not really know that they are attracted to children, they just think they are, so joining MAP communities is not really appropriate for them. I disagree, and so does Ender Wiggin in his recent post on the subject. Sexuality is somewhat fluid when you are a teenager, but that does not mean we should sell the false hope that a 13-year-old attracted to five-year-old children will somehow “grow out of it.” Another vein of thought is that people are attracted to children because [some nice-sounding psychological garbage, ie, afraid of adult intimacy, easier to relate to children, daddy was not in the picture, etc.]. However, no one knows why pedophiles are attracted to children, and being sexually abused is also not a reason.

8: You Are Harming Children

This argument usually implies that by merely having non-sexual, perfectly appropriate contact with children, a pedophile is somehow harming them. In other words, the idea that thinking about children, or having fantasies about them, is somehow inherently harmful to children. Pedophiles do not have psychic powers (no human does). The best information we have from experts is that fantasy is a perfectly healthy outlet for most people, and does not increase the risk of acting on them absent other mental health issues:

Thoughts do not harm children, any more than making eye contact, a pat on the back, a hug, or simple interaction harms children. We should not minimize sexual abuse by inferring that one can abuse a child merely by looking at them.

9: You Will Inevitably Molest A Child

Now, of all the arguments, this one is by far the most ridiculous. Believe it or not, the majority of those who harm children sexually are not attracted to them. In fact, one study showed that one-third of sexual abusers of children have pedophilia while two-thirds do not, a Dutch study (p. 65–66) found that 20% of sexual abusers of children have a paraphilia (not just pedophilia), while Michael Seto’s estimate is that 50–60% of those who sexually offend against children (any offense, whether predatory or not) have pedophilia. While determining precise numbers is difficult due to underreporting, it is clear that a significant number of sexual crimes against children are not perpetrated by someone with a sexual attraction to children.

So, the idea that just because someone is attracted means that they will inevitably rape a child is preposterous. Does your attraction to men or women (or both) mean that you fantasize about raping them? No. Does it mean that adult-attracted people are inevitably going to rape adults? Of course not. The ticking time-bomb idea is not an idea that holds water when put to any kind of scrutiny or critical thought.

10: You Are Normalizing Pedophilia

This has to be one of the worst arguments I have encountered. How do you make a sexual attraction that affects less than 10% of the population… normal? I am still waiting for an answer, so if you think you have one, by all means. Let me know.

Now, if you mean to say my goal is to make sex with children acceptable… I really am not sure how I could make it clearer that this is literally the opposite of what I am trying to do. I hate abuse. I was abused. I have a website dedicated to preventing sexual abuse. So, no, I am not trying to justify anyone having sexual contact with children, and yes, that includes child sexual exploitation material.

11: You Are A Disease, Sucking Kids Into Pedophilia

Another transparently terrible argument, this one suggests that pedophiles can somehow turn children into becoming pedophiles themselves. Given that no credible scientist on the face of this planet believes that sexuality is contagious, I do not think this is even possible. Nevertheless, having pedophilia or minor attraction is not something I or most other pedophiles would wish on anyone. In the communities I am involved in, we actually question new members in asking why they think they are attracted, and mention the possibility of Pedophilia OCD (obsessively worrying that someone is a pedophile, despite no real attraction to children).

12: Fantasies Mean You Are Likely To Abuse Kids

This argument is actually perpetrated by people in the mental health profession, such as Stop Abuse Campaign (at left) and Stop It Now! UK (see also here) who are either unfamiliar with how sexual attraction works, unfamiliar with the facts about who perpetrates child sexual abuse, or rely on tropes like those of Gene Abel (also at left). Usually, it involves implying that a pedophile’s attraction to children is somehow “reinforced” by having fantasies of children, and that fantasies will eventually lead to abusing a child.

So, let us work backwards in debunking this argument. Gene Abel is a persistent blight on science (to put it mildly). He asked a few thousand people some questions, and from that questionnaire — in which he does not verify any answers or control for bias — forms opinions on who perpetrates sexual abuse, why, and what should be done about it. He has an entire treatment method based on this, which some organizations swallow without even looking at what they are swallowing. Not only is his premise flawed, his methods cannot even be called science. Imagine if I did a Twitter poll, and then used the results to write a scientific article. Right. Exactly. I would be laughed at, and rightly so. Now, imagine I used the same poll and article to treat an entire group of people with a specific problem.

Not only that, attraction cannot be reinforced. It is present, whether you have fantasies or not. While attractions are somewhat fluid, there has never been a confirmed case of someone’s attractions changing as the result of therapy. So, the idea that fantasies reinforce attractions is blatantly illogical, and the idea that one’s attractions will inevitably be carried out the more one has fantasies, at best, is a slippery slope fallacy.

In addition, we have two different sources showing that most abusers of children are in fact situational: They are attracted to adults (see here (p. 65–66) and here). In short, fantasy is not the same thing as reality, and to suggest that one’s private thoughts can somehow make someone more or less likely to act on them in real life is preposterous absent other mental health issues. Additionally, repressing sexuality has been shown to increase sexual thoughts, rather than decreasing them.

13: Pedophilia And Molestation Are The Same Thing

This argument is also easier to counter. While some might pull blogs or dictionaries that use non-clinical definitions of pedophilia to imply that behavior and attraction are the same thing, the research says otherwise. In fact, so does Interpol (p. 86, citing the WHO and DSM-5). Pedophilia is the sexual attraction to pre-pubescent children, not the sexual abuse of children Note that even Wikipedia notes the distinction, and the reasons for it, and that the DSM-5 differentiates between pedophilia, the attraction, and pedophilic disorder, the psychiatric disorder.

14. Pedophiles Hide, Therefore They Are Evil

Pedophiles DO hide: This is because of the conflation between being a pedophile and being a child molester. The stigma that comes from that conflation is enough to make anyone hide their sexuality. It happened with the LGBT community until recently, and even now, it still happens in some places. Their hiding is for their own self-protection. There have been instances where pedophiles have been outed, reported to the police, lost careers, jobs, family, and more because of the strong stigma and the fact that the information that they were a pedophile did not stay private.

So, it is no wonder that pedophiles hide their pedophilia, even from people who care about them. We hide behind pseudonyms, not because we have things to hide, but because of the consequences if we do not. Those consequences are well-documented: See here, here, and here.

15. Only Pedophiles Defend Pedophiles

This is in fact not the case. I have several followers that consistently tweet, retweet, and respond to me when I am arguing with trolls on the subject. One such follower is the mother of a sexual abuse survivor.

Another is the survivor of sexual assault. Another is a random person on the East Coast of the United States. We have many who support our cause, many of them abuse survivors, scientists, and abuse preventionists. Not only is this argument fallacious, it is demonstrably false.

Other “Arguments”

There are, of course, a variety of other arguments that are usually blatantly fallacious. “Pedophiles should die,” (generalization), “pedophiles are sick fucks,” (ad hominem), “pedophiles belong on and island somewhere,” (dehumanization/trolling), etc., are all arguments that are just blatant attempts to troll and upset. Most pedophiles, like myself, see through this disturbing attempt at bullying pretty easily, and decide to block you, or show everyone watching just how stupid you look when you bully us (some, like Ender Wiggin, will directly tell you just how stupid you are, though Ender and I disagree on that point).

If you think you can come up with a convincing argument that has not been covered here, find me on Twitter and let us have a chat. My DM’s are always open.

The post Your Arguments Against Pedophiles… DEBUNKED! appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

You read news articles where they use the word “pedophile” to refer to child rapists, or to child sexual abuse as “pedophilia,” you see internet comments on these articles that pedophiles should die, be castrated, outcast on an island, hanged, shot… you get the picture. That serves as the backdrop for what you will face as someone with an attraction to minors: An automatic assumption that you have, or will, molest children.

So, I am sure you can imagine why this might spawn thoughts of self-hate, depression, suicide, and negativity. This begs the question: What can a MAP do to counter some of that negativity?

First Technique: Awareness And Interruption

One of the first things that can be done about negativity is to be aware of our thoughts throughout the day. This can be achieved a variety of ways: Journaling, setting alarms (actual ones or internal ones) for an internal check-in about what you have been thinking about, talking to people.

Another thing that can be done, building off that awareness, is simply interrupting those negative thoughts. Sometimes, that can be done with reaching out to a friend for support. Sometimes, we can journal out what we are thinking about.

Other times, interrupting our negative thoughts can be a challenge because the thought is so believable we do not even recognize we are being overly negative, which is why building up an awareness is such an essential step.

Second Technique: Recognizing Unrealistic/Irrational Thoughts

This may sound like the first technique, but it is not the same. Beyond being aware of the content of our thoughts, we need to when that content is not accurate to whatever it is we are thinking about, particularly if we are thinking about ourselves, our situation, and our options for solving a problem. If we think our options are limited, but they really are not, then we can work ourselves into a situation where we perceive things as being hopeless, when in reality they are not.

Sometimes, that can be reaching out to people and asking a support person what they think about us or our situation. This could be as simple as asking, “Hey, what do you think of me? How do you see me?” It could be writing out your thoughts, and asking your support people what they think of it. The key is that you need an outside perspective looking at your thoughts, so you can measure whether they are realistic or rational.

Another method of measuring whether your thoughts are accurate is to be aware of ways we can deceive ourselves: One area of awareness is cognitive distortions, or thinking patterns that can complicate existing mental health issues or mental ruts. Another is knowing about logical fallacies, even if you do not remember the specific names for the fallacies, being familiar with how they operate can be helpful in self-reflection.

Third Technique: Challenging Negative/Irrational Thoughts

The third and final strategy for dealing with negative or irrational thoughts is directly challenging them. That is, once you have built up an awareness of what the negative/irrational thought is, you have the capacity to think about what you just thought about. This is where things get tricky.

For many of us, we can recognize the futility of a particular negative/irrational thought easily enough. But then afterwards, we beat ourselves up for having the thought… which defeats the entire point of building up that awareness. So the trick is not to shame ourselves for having the thought. Instead, we need to understand the content of the thought, and in our next thought, challenge that content.

For example:

The specific thought, and what we can do to challenge the thought, can vary widely. The key is to figure out a thought that will not be triggering, unrealistic, or negative that can be phrased in a positive way. Sometimes we might need the support of someone else to come up with positive ideas, sometimes it helps to write the thoughts down. Sometimes it can help to look up what are called “positive affirmations” and use the ideas that fit your thoughts and your situation.

Wrapping Up: Get Out Of Stinking Thinking!

One of the most important things we can do as a community of minor-attracted people is to acknowledge, recognize, and do our best to break free from negative mental patterns that can lead us to — or keep us in — depression, anxiety, and hopelessness. We cannot do this alone. We need the support of other people who can help us and speak to positive things in our lives to help us make positive changes. And yes, these people are going to challenge us. There will be days where we ask for someone’s support, and they will make us look at a truth about ourselves that is hard to take in.

Realizing things about yourself, and not having a guidebook on how to fix it, is a difficult and painful process. It takes work and dedication. At the same time, the results are well worth it: Not only can we come out the other end as improved people that think positively about ourselves, we can use our experiences to help others in the future.

After all, that is what being a family is about. For those who have not picked up on this yet, I view the MAP community as my extended family. Sure, I might argue with some of you. I might not understand everyone’s issues. I might offend people, intentionally or not. But at the end of the day, week, month… I care about you and your mental health. Do what you can to improve yourself, one day at a time, and give yourself the space to fall into negativity, and get back up again. You are worth it.

The post Challenging Negative Thoughts In The MAP Community appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.