It took me a full ten minutes to say this six word sentence to my Dad. He was getting impatient as it was quite uncomfortable seeing me squirm and cover my face with my hands for ten minutes straight. 

“Come on.. What’s up? Just tell me already.”

“I like girls younger than me”, I said covering my face in fear.

“What? It’s normal to be attracted to girls younger than you,” my dad said clearly in confusion.

“Think about it more,” I said while hyperventilating.

He thought about it for a second and said, “How old are you talking about here? Do you like your sister? She is 7 years old.”

“No,” I paused and took a breathe, “I am 16. I like girls that are 16 years old. 15 years old. 14 years old. And 17 plus,” I was visibly shaking and sweating.

“Well that’s okay, you are a teenager so it’s normal to be attracted to other teenagers.”

“More importantly, 13, 12, 11, 10 and 9 years old,” I said very quickly, covering my face. Oh god I really said it. This is it. My heart is exploding.

He paused. “Well that is quite young… Do you mean you are attracted to them? As in you want to see them naked?”

“Yes…”

“You know girls these ages they are innocent… They just want to play… They don’t really think about se-”

I interrupted him and quickly said in defense: “Yes! They are innocent. They do not think about sex. All they think about is their family, school, friends and maybe playing video games. I am against having sex with any girl of that age… I do not want to hurt children.”

“How long did you want to tell me this?”

“I was 9 or 10 years old and I didn’t really put much thought about it because… I was attracted to girls the same age as me, I was a child too! But then as a grew older, I was still attracted to girls around 10 years old. Now, I am 16, and my age of attraction didn’t go up. I got so worried” I said with sadness in my voice, “Does that make sense?”

“Yeah. Well I cannot really relate to it, but yeah it makes sense.”“

Silence. 

I can’t stop shaking. Okay. Breathe.

“Not all pedophiles are child molesters, and not all child molesters are pedophiles,” I said, a quote from Todd Nickerson.

“Hmm yeah, I agree with that.”

It seemed that he was willing to learn more about it so I asked him to make a google search: ‘Virped’.

He then immediately read the entire page of Virtuous Pedophiles. And I was taken aback. He was reading and wanting to learn more about this. I felt loved.

I asked him to go to YouTube and I let him watch videos from James Cantor and from Sexplanations. He watched it and took it seriously.

Afterwards, we had a conversation. I’ll try to sum up the things he said:

Thank you for sharing this with me. It must have been a long time keeping this inside. What you are attracted to does not define you. What is most important for me is that you are happy. It does not make you a bad person or a monster for having these attractions. I am proud of you, for being brave to tell me about it and for having a conscience to never act your attractions on children. I am not afraid, you said that you will never harm anyone, so I believe you. I trust that you will never harm anyone. You can always talk to me about anything.

I was so scared. And broken. A secret that I never told anyone before. All my shields and defenses were lowered, all the layers of my skin were peeled and it revealed a weak, scared, sad and confused person inside of me. A side that I never showed anyone. A part of me that I didn’t even fully understand. It was who I am. I asked him to come near me… and I hugged him so tight and cried. A cry that deserved to be expressed long long ago. I haven’t cried in years, I was always alone.

Unlike the cries that I have had in the past, it felt amazing. I was vulnerable and honest, yet somehow some way, I was safe, I was loved for who I am. For a few minutes, the world was safe and kind, I was comforted and I was being hugged by someone I loved so dearly. I cried fully about my sexuality, my past experiences, and the pain. It was all let out. I was free.

I will always remember what he told me after I finished crying “You have been through a lot. You are so strong and brave. You are a good son and I love you.”

Thank you, Dad.

The post I Told My Dad I Am A Pedophile appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

Coming Out to a World that Hates Pedophiles

I have been sexually attracted to little girls for 60 years but choose to not act on it. I am not exclusive and am happily married with three children and ten grand-children. I spent a lot of time with children over the years without any problems, including teaching school and having foster children. My pedophilia simmered in the background during the 25 years of my first marriage, but when I did ask a counselor for help, she promptly abandoned me without a referral.

Three years after living in our home, our foster daughter falsely accused me of molesting her. That never happened, but I told my wife that I am indeed sexually attracted to young girls. She encouraged me to become a counselor so I could help other people with pedophilia. When I had almost completed a masters degree in mental health counseling, Walden University dismissed me based solely on my sexual orientation. I experienced severe anxiety but at the time the only hospital in our county had banned me from their premises because of the false allegations, even though no charges have ever been filed.

 

I came out to many of my family and friends, who were all very supportive because they understood the difference between attraction and action. In 2014, I came out on a live Oregon Public Broadcasting talk show without any serious repercussions. Earlier this year I did an interview for an article in The Sun, not realizing the impact it would have on our lives. About the same time, someone posted a YouTube of my coming out at an Association for Sexual Abuse Prevention workshop that my wife and I conducted in Portland, Oregon. It ended up on Facebook and created quite a stir in our local community. It also got the attention of the media and within a week my wife and I participated in two television and two radio live talk shows. The next week we appeared on the Dr. Phil show. We were immediately banished by our church and received a number of credible death threats. Now this isn’t about “poor me,” as I understand that many of these people assume I am a child molester, but I don’t understand why they hate my wife so much.

 

What can we learn from this experience? Not all pedophiles are child molesters. Many people who work with children experience some level of sexual attraction to them. The majority of people with pedophilia will never molest a child, but will also never come out. Hating and ostracizing pedophiles does nothing to protect children. When someone does come out, we should support them in not acting on the attraction.

If you or someone you love is sexually attracted to children, you may call me at +1 541–891–6168. Check out our website at ASAPinternational.org.

The post Coming Out to a World that Hates Pedophiles appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.

What Do Most Coming Outs Look Like?

Absolutely nothing like that. While there is risk — I will get to that in a moment — most coming outs are positive, not negative. I have heard many positive stories of people coming out, in passing on VirPed, and in other circles I participate in. I know several people, myself included, who are out to most of the important people in their life, friends and family. I know two people who are completely public, and are still not dead yet: Gary Gibson and Todd Nickerson. In both cases, their family mostly accepted them.

For many, it takes time for them to process the full implications of what it means to have a sexual attraction to children, because often, people have preconceptions about what it means to be a pedophile. They picture a middle-aged man in a trench coat who has molested a child, not a teenager tearfully telling their parents they are attracted to children and want support. So, they will often ask questions, seek clarity on what it means to have an attraction, if the pedophile has acted on their attractions, how they view ethics, if they have viewed child sexual exploitation material, if they view themselves as a risk.

Coming out to a loved one is not easy, and in some cases, involves some shock, crying, and a lot of questions. That is for the people who receive the information. For MAPs, it is just plain scary. Not only are you putting information in someone’s hands that could go wrong in a lot of ways, you are trusting that your opinion of them is accurate enough that they will not overreact. There is a lot of reluctance on the part of MAPs to come out about their attractions, even when they are dealing with mental health issues they need help with that may or may not have anything to do with minor attraction.

How Can MAPs Safely Come Out?

Yes, coming out. Just as there are myths, fear, and stigma associated with being part of the LGBTQ+ community, there are myths, fear, and stigma associated with being a minor-attracted person. Just as LGBTQ+ people keep their feelings in the closet until it is safe to tell people, MAPs must do the same, or face consequences, like the reaction seen above.

Coming out as a MAP to the people you love and trust can be a risky and challenging process. Not only is this because there is a risk that people will not understand, or they will have a negative reaction to it, but because that information is now in someone else’s hands. In much the same way as a LGBT person can observe someone, see how they feel about the topic in general by asking them about similar issues (“So, how do you feel about transgender people? How do you feel about gay people? Do you think people choose their sexuality?”), a MAP can do much the same.

While I have a more comprehensive guide for MAPs about figuring out who is safe to tell, whether telling parents is an option, and some of the practicalities around coming out to people, the short version is this: Only you know your situation and the people in your life well enough to know whether you are making a wise choice by telling people about your attractions.

Do MAPs See The Safety Of Coming Out Clearly?

It is very, very common for MAPs to misjudge people and assume they would never understand them, never support them, and would hate them if they told important people in their life about their attractions. I know it was true in my own life that I thought it was not safe to tell anyone about my attractions, and worked myself into an extremely negative mindset because of hiding that from people.

That mindset led me to the conclusion that I was a risk to children. I attempted suicide because of it, and as a result of that, I found out in one of the most terrifying ways possible that people will still care. My family told one of my friends, who privately told other friends who were asking why I was not in contact with them. Everyone was very worried about me, and those friends reached out to me to support me.

Granted, I live in Minnesota where everyone is nice to everyone (some sarcasm there), but I do believe that when you have people that know you well, and genuinely care about you, they are not going to be so offended by you liking children that they leave you, harass you, or spread your information around. They will ask hard questions, they will wonder if you can change your attractions (not possible), they will ask how you know you are attracted to children, and it may be difficult for them to believe or accept your attractions.

What will go through most people’s minds is not the trolling you see on the internet, or the horror stories you read about. You see people doing their best to show love and support. It may be scary to come out, and in some situations it may not be possible, but in my experience, in most cases, it goes very positively.

I think MAPs tend to see coming out as this huge risk where people might never speak to them again, and in my experience, that hardly ever happens. While some people will need time and resources to take in the information, coming out is usually safe when you are surrounded by people who care about you.

The post The Complexities Of A Pedophile Coming Out appeared first on Pedophiles About Pedophilia.